This Is What Girls Think When They Read Your OKCupid Messages
I’ve decided to live-blog my thoughts for 5 minutes as I check my messages on OKCupid because, to be honest, I think my friends are getting sick of receiving Facebook messages with links and editorial comments.
Yes, these are my real thoughts, in response to actual messages / people who have contacted me.
Here goes nothing…
#1: Oh, he looks cute. Wait… his profile says he likes… penguins… more than he likes people?? And he spends a lot of time thinking about BATMAN? IS THAT A DOLLAR SIGN TATTOOED ON HIS LEG?!?! Who the fuck gets a DOLLAR SIGN tattooed on their calf?! DELETE!!
#2: Meh, he may be handso… wait, nevermind. He somehow went from receding hairline to bald between pictures #1 and picture #2. Not interested. Shit, I’ll save this message just because I feel like a jerk for judging someone who is probably a perfectly nice person based on their lack of hair. God, I’m a jerk, aren’t I?! Does judging men based on thinning hair make me a bad person? Is this bad karma? I wonder…
#3: Hi, Matt… thanks for sending me a messa…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….. Delete.
#4: Shrimp balls? Who the fuck lists SHRIMP BALLS as something they can’t live without? Delete!
#5: Nice try Mr. Hot Macedonian Guy… you live 1,000 miles away and we’ve all seen Catfish. Hmm. This could be amusing. I’m totally responding…. for entertainment purposes only, of course. Not because I want to have his baby in the off-chance that he’s a real person. No, not at all…
#6: Helpful hint, sir – when you start off an email with “let me be straight-forward” – 9 times out of 10, you’re about to say something that I don’t want to hear. DELETE!!!
#7: If you’re “Chicago’s Finest” then I believe it’s time for me to relocate. Then again, perhaps I should save this message for later… you know, just in case…
#8: “tall, lean, fickle, playful, pliant, flexible, succulent, witty-ish,and your mother will love me.”
…you forgot to add creepy. And really, a 51 year old man should NOT be taking pictures in a faux gangsta pose. Oh, yeah – and my mother will love you… BECA– — USE YOU’RE HER AGE. That drink with me that you’re “still waiting for”? … well, you’re going to be waiting quite a while, sir. Delete and BLOCK.
#9: You want me to come over and WHAT?!?!
#10: Dear sir, thank you for being honest about your desire to “bang every chick on OKCupid”… but no thanks. I’m fucking logging off of this shit.