An Open Letter to My Future Boyfriend

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To my Future Boyfriend,

This is my year, I can feel it. Last year was little too batsh*t for my taste. Between university, an old medical issue popping back up, and family drama I couldn’t ignore, I am glad to say it’s all been resolved. For the most part.

2014 is going to kick ass and who knows, maybe you’ll even be a part of it! If you are, you’re going to need to know more than a few things about me first.

1. Unless things have gotten really serious between us, I always put my friends first. As should you. I’ve made an effort to partake in more Guys’ Nights because I am going to be 23 this year, and this is the time in our lives when we should be staying out too late and making memories (we swear never to bring up ever again).

2. I am trying this new thing called “valuing myself” enough to go out on actual dates, and not just to hook up. Don’t get me wrong, I am not some entitled prick who thinks it’s wrong to be sexually promiscuous, if that’s what you want. And I’ve just realized I have been socialized to think that it is what I want, but it’s not. So if you expect “the big event” to transpire right off the bat, then keep it moving.

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3. I have a really cool job at a company that I co-founded with one of my best friends. It keeps me busy and you need to be okay with that. Most nights I just want to curl up in sweats and binge on Netflix for seven hours straight with some take out. You’re totally invited if you know how to be quiet, but if you can’t be— hit the bricks. If you are a SciFi nerd like me, well we might be soul mates and wind up watching all three seasons of Roswell in one sitting. You don’t mind calling in sick to work tomorrow, do you?

4. I am a writer. I constantly have dialogue buzzing around in my head and I need to put it down or I’ll forget it and our entire night will be ruined because I am being a brat. If I am rapidly typing away on my phone, that is just what I am doing. (That, or live tweeting my reaction to something that actually happened four days ago). I am not texting anyone, and I am definitely not on Grindr. I apologize for this behavior, and I will try my best to control it, but it’s not going away and I hope you can understand.

tumblr_m6g3wgBbPU1qfwe3i5. As a writer I tend to come up with long complicated storylines about the two of us that dictate the next five years of our relationship, even if we aren’t really dating and I only met you twenty minutes ago in the line to the bathroom. That’s insane! I know. Worse, I usually end up alone in them. WTF, right? It’s probably residual daddy-issues, still probably not as bad as yours, so get off your high horse, Judgey!

6. If you can make me laugh, I mean actually laugh, then I’m probably smitten with you. There’s maybe four people, total, in my life that can make me laugh. You’ll know it’s real when I either snort, cry, or can’t talk. If I’m not experiencing seizure-like symptoms, then I am just being nice and faking it. If you happen to be one of the few who can make me belly over, don’t take this responsibility lightly.

7. Last but not least, my heart. If you haven’t noticed, I do wear it on my sleeve. It’s bandaged up and stitched together, like my very own Charlie Brown Christmas tree equivalent. It’s been through a lot, and because of that, I don’t give second chances after you damage it. I will probably damage your face though if you’re within punching distance at the time you choose to tell me about your indiscretions, so keep that in mind.

PS. I love dark chocolate, Riesling, Details magazine and cuddling (but not when it’s time to sleep, so stop, don’t touch me).

Patiently waiting to meet you after you spill your beer on me,

Nick

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