Ghosting: The World’s Shittiest Breakup Method

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Ashley says:

I’m a recent victim of ghosting (and an unbelievable two other times in the last eight months), here’s a PSA for all of you men out there thinking that *this* is the best way to let a girl know you aren’t digging her. Hint:

 

 

Ghosting (verb):

When a man completely stops talking to someone he met online, texted with, has gone on a date with, slept with, and/or dated for an extended period of time. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just “get the hint” and leave the ghoster alone, as opposed to the ghoster simply telling them he is no longer interested. Many attempt to justify ghosting as a way to cease dating the ghostee without hurting her feelings, but it in fact proves the ghoster is thinking more of himself, as ghosting often creates more confusion for the ghostee than if the subject kindly stated how he felt.

* Note: This is not to be confused with the Fade Out, which is done gradually over time.

Synonyms:

Douchebagging, vanishing into thin air, poof!

Example:

Friend: How was your second date with Kyle?

Ashley: I thought it went well, but I’ve texted him a couple of times since then and he’s been ghosting me.

Ways to not be a Ghoster:

Text, call or email. Explain yourself, and give a simple explanation. Even if it’s not true, she’ll at least appreciate that you could say something… although truthfulness is always better.

How to avoid being ghosted:

Stay celibate, give up the male gender altogether, become a nun.

Side effects:

Twisted stomach, inability to eat, insomnia, insane thoughts about all of the reasons why he hasn’t texted (He’s in a ditch somewhere! He lost his phone! His phone broke and he lost my number! etc.)

Warning:

Ghosting has the ability to make girls crazy and create distrust of every guy she dates after you.

 

ghosting dating breakup

 

Gina says:

I was talking to a male friend about this guy that I’d been talking for almost 3 months… which is practically a relationship. I’m not really sure what happened to him, as prior to the last two weeks everything was hot. We communicated every day, saw each other pretty regularly and everything was non-stop. And then after our last date I heard from him exactly three times, two of which I initiated contact. He texted me late one Saturday night. I reached out to him the following Wednesday and he responded saying he was sick.  I contacted him again on Friday, and then… nothing.

I reached out once after that and figured that since I didn’t get a response it was safe to assume I wouldn’t be hearing from him again. It’s frustrating because things were going seemingly well between us and suddenly it was over, and I never found out why. I wouldn’t be so concerned if he’d just come out and said “hey it’s not working” or something… but to just disappear? Annoying. I fucking hate this cop-out – I really do. I think it’s rude and inconsiderate. Plus, it doesn’t let me know what I did wrong (if anything) or give me the chance to fix it or make it (ME) better.

 

Australian (2)

Laura says:

Yes, I have experienced more ‘Caspers’ in my life than I’d like to admit.  I’m sure there are a variety of reasons for disappearing, but I like reasoning. Tell me why – no matter how much it isn’t fun or nice to hear. At least I know!  That way, I might consider setting you up with my friends in the future vs. I don’t know what happened so just I’m just going to pretend you don’t exist anymore.

 

ghosting dating breakup

 

Lisa says:

This seems to be an online dating-based phenomenon. 90% of ghosting stories I’ve heard have been quite similar – the guy gets super-serious, super-fast. This lasts for several dates (or several weeks) and then he suddenly goes missing. Perhaps this is because sites like OKCupid inherently causes people to approach dating like they would online shopping – and makes it too easy to fall into ‘grass is greener’ syndrome when dating someone.

For the record, I’ve met exactly three people off of OKCupid. One situation was over before it began and I think we’d both agree that our first date was pretty boring. The other two were full-blown ghosting situations. In both cases, the guy in question got very intense almost immediately. The dates were amazing and there was instant chemistry. And then *poof!* …they disappeared. Interestingly, both of my “ghosts” happened to reappear months later, attempting to explain themselves.


Ghost #1:
  Admittedly, we got super-serious, super-fast. Case in point: on our first date (which, granted, was after a month of talking), he brought up my meeting his family and friends. We dated for a month and things seemed to be going well, and then he completely fell off the face of the earth. I eventually sent him an email asking him what was going on, and he gave me the “it’s not you, it’s me” line. Incidentally, I discovered that it really was “him” six months later when he showed up outside of my house acting full-on mentally unstable, smelling like he hadn’t washed his clothes in weeks, and apologizing profusely, telling me that he has no one to turn to in life because he pushes everyone away. I played therapist for that one night just to make sure he wasn’t suicidal, then never spoke to him again.

ghosting

The dirt… straight from the Ghost #2’s mouth.

Ghost #2 was so intense that after our first date, he wanted to take a cab all the way to my house before he went to work just to kiss me. On top of that, he constantly sent me videos from work telling me he missed me. While it was sweet, it was also a little intense given that we barely knew each other. Things were going well until one night he straight-up never appeared for our date, and never responded to my text. For obvious reasons, I decided to not contact him again after that night, however, he had left a few items at my apartment. I boxed them up, spent $25 to ship them a few miles to his work via UPS, then sent him an email on Facebook that said, “I mailed the stuff you left at my apartment to your work. Take care.” I never once asked for an explanation, just sent him his stuff and left it at that. And no, he never did reply and say thanks.

Of course, he also resurfaced about nine months later, bombarding me with apologies via Facebook, begging me to meet up with him. (Note: There were several other messages after the ones shown in the screenshot, but you get the picture). After I responded letting him know that while I forgave him, I had no interesting in meeting up with him, he decided to delete me. A few weeks later, he then re-added me and apologized for deleting me… and then deleted me again because I still refused to meet up. Because, you know, maturity.

In other words: I’ve learned that if someone ghosts you, they’re probably doing you a really, really big favor.

 

Have you ever been ghosted? Share your story with us in the comments section!

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This post was written with love by the Daily Urbanista team. Have a question for us? Say hi on Twitter: @DailyUrbanista or shoot us an email: dailyurbanista@gmail.com.

  • Carolyn Baumgarten

    Of the men I’ve dated that got to the “maybe this might be something” point, I’ve been ghosted 4 times in the last year alone. All of these were guys that came on hot and heavy and “I really am looking for a relationship,” we went on multiple actual dates. Good chemistry, great connection, seemed like we were on the same page and then… nothing. When did we stop handling things like adults?

    • That’s the strange thing! It’s ALWAYS the guys that get serious fast. It’s almost like they got it in their head that they want a relationship, so they make a profile, and then they’re like “JK I got the validation I needed. Peace out, bitches!”

      Also – let’s face it. It’s much, much easier to Ghost someone you’ve met through an online dating site than someone you’ve met in person, may have mutual friends with, etc. It’s almost like they think you don’t deserve the same respect because of the way you met.

  • disqus_gD5NihnN6l

    Yes! This happens to me all the time. Last year I was dating a guy and I kind of felt like he was fading out. We met up for dinner one night after not seeing each other for two weeks, and he wanted me to come back to his place. I told him I didn’t want to because I felt like I was never going to see him again after this date. I told him I knew he’d been treating me differently and that if he didn’t want to make time for me, I understood, but I wasn’t going to come back to his place. He told me ‘oh no, i’ve been busy with work, etc.” He said “let’s make dinner plans next week so you know for a fact that I’m going to see you again”. So we made dinner plans. As I left his house that night, he said “see you Tuesday, I’m a man of my word and we are having sushi together on Tuesday!” Tuesday came…. he texted “sorry babe, something came up at work. Can we reschedule?” I said ‘sure’, but we all know what happened here…. I never heard from him again.

    Also, I recently was ghosted by a friend of a friend. After a month, I kept coming back to the “what happened, what did I do” question. So I just texted him. If he had been a random stranger, I probably wouldn’t have done it, but I felt pretty confident I’d get a response of some sort from him. Sure enough, he realized he just wasn’t ready to start dating again after his last relationship. Which, 90 percent of me had concluded was the issue a month ago when he ghosted me. But why couldn’t he just say it then?!?

    • Ugh, sorry that happened to you – especially the instance where you had a mutual friend! All he had to do was send you a simple text explaining himself – that’s a completely valid reason that shouldn’t be too difficult to tell someone.

      It boils down to: If you’re not mature enough to properly break up with someone, then you shouldn’t be dating to begin with. And if all you want is sex, then you should make that clear and find someone who is looking for the same, period.

      • disqus_gD5NihnN6l

        exactly!

  • This has definitely happened to me a few times at various stages of the dating process. I once asked a woman out and she said yes and then when it came time to actually make plans, poof! She was gone. Just recently, I got ghosted just before a woman and I were about to have the “define the relationship” talk. I’ve never technically been broken up with via ghosting, though someone I dated for a significant period of time became much harder to communicate with in the couple weeks leading up to when she actually broke up with me.

    Long story short: It always sucks.

    • It’s good to hear a guy’s perspective on this – thanks for sharing Bill! It’s sucky to hear that BOTH sexes are picking up this bad habit.

  • rachelfoss

    This is AMAZING! A friend sent me this article after I published my most recent comic…. ABOUT GHOSTING! They came out on the same day! I think that’s a sign… (and you’re welcome to read it! http://rachelfoss.tumblr.com/post/93914625202/so-my-friends-here-is-a-story-one-of-the-reasons) This happens to me ALL the time… in fact… it’s happened to me EVERY time i’ve tried to date. What’s interesting is… after I posted this comic… the guy I drew it about TEXTED ME TO APOLOGIZE! I seriously felt like i was in the twilight zone. Turns out… after i hadnt heard from him for a couple days, so i deleted his number from my phone (but kept it) and put it in a week later to ask him what happened… WHELP turns out, i put his number in wrong! So… we both thought the other had disappeared. Want to know the weirdest part? We started hanging out again!

    • That’s crazy, Rachel!! I read a comment recently on another blog from someone that had this happen to him after dating a girl for a few months. Turns out that the girl had gotten into a car accident and was in a coma. Since their relationship was so new her family didn’t know he existed and didn’t know to notify him. After seeing his number on her caller ID a bunch of times, one of her family members called him back and notified him.

    • PS: Rachel: Just had a second to check out your comic and we adore it! We’d looooove to feature it on our blog, if you’d be open to it! If so, shoot us an email at secretliveschi@gmail.com!

      • rachelfoss

        I’d love it! I’ll send it right now 😀

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  • Is ghosting only done by guys to girls? That’s the impression I got from this post but from my dating experience it works both ways. It does suck and there should really be a social movement to discourage it (perhaps the only time it is alright to shame anyone) because everyone deserves feedback on what went wrong so they can improve next time around.

    • Daily Urbanista

      Since this is written by women about our personal experiences, it’s a little one-sided. After we published this, we received comments from A LOT of people – mostly women, but some men as well – saying they’ve experienced the same. (Sadly, it looks like we lost all of our comments when we switched our blog url)

      What it boils down to is that despite the fact that we’re more connected than we’ve ever been before, we’ve become disconnected in how to be decent human beings… which sucks.

  • Caitlin Jane

    I haven’t been ghosted myself but a few friends have! I share some of the story in my blog posts if anyone cares to read for a bit of a different perspective!

    http://msceejaygreen.wix.com/outsidesquareroom#!Phased-or-Ghosted-No-this-is-not-a-post-about-an-episode-of-Supernatural/cmbz/3673679C-8ACE-4C8D-B1FC-D462EB9B78D0

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  • BeDecent

    Just want to say two things…1. My heart breaks for any lady that a classless man has ghosted. It’s uncool at any level. That said…2. This article would be better if it acknowledged that women ghost as often, if not more so, than men do, especially in the online dating scene. We should be spending time talking about how to reverse this horrible trend.

  • Bettina Brooks

    I am so sick of men thinking that it is okay to behave like this, especially after multiple dates. http://twogirlsinthe.city/2015/08/ghosting

  • Chloe Ashe

    Girls definitely ghost too, I can attest to that.

    Source: My last two relationships.

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  • thisguy

    Yeah this tone is ridiculous. Girls don’t just ghost too. Girls invented ghosting, and they resort to it WAY more often than guys do. I do admit that guys do it more often after some seriousness has been established – which makes it seem more heinous. But it’s a heinous thing to do whether it’s only one date in, or already an exclusive relationship. Let’s just stop doing period – both guys and girls should just show basic manners.

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  • Clint Beastwood

    In all honesty, I’ve probably dated more girls that have ghosted me than have not. It’s a problem with dating culture, not just genders. I’ve dated girls that I def didn’t want to date again, yet I still managed to tell them so that they wouldn’t have to go thru the confusion and worry stage before reality sets in. Accepting ghosting as an appropriate means of ending things is just going to perpetuate negativity, as accepting means we have to start assuming that things won’t work out instead of having hope that they will.

    Besides that, ghosting is simply rude and immature, and reflects poorly on the character of those who do it.

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