6 Things You Shouldn’t Do On A First Date

I believe in being honest with people, at least trying to be when appropriate. I’m aware that there are situations where honesty may not be the best, and can make adjustments.

That being said, I have always been honest with all of the gents that I’ve met or talked to these past few months. My pictures and info are up to date, everything is laid out in the open. Because I trust that who I see in the profile and who I come to know through communication is who I will meet. I’m aware that there’s always the chance that it might be all wrong (hello Catfish) but I’d like to believe that if you’re planning to meet someone you would be honest about who you are…

Let me introduce you…

I was on the fence about this guy, we’d been going back and forth for a few weeks. He said he wasn’t big on texting, which is fine, but then all he would do was text me. From the beginning I wasn’t really sure I understood what he was saying. His messages where erratic, and yet oddly enough they were also eloquently worded, so much so that I was actually intimidated by them and almost just left it there. Something about how he said things made things sound a lot smarter than I’d been used to, not saying I date dumb people but you could tell that dude had a large vocabulary as well as an imaginative mind.

I was intrigued to see how he was in person. After a couple of weeks we just  stopped talking. I then realized that none of the other guys I had been talking to brought up the idea of going out so I had to (begrudgingly) do it myself. I wouldn’t normally ask a guy out, that’s not how I was raised, and let’s face it I like being pursued. Who doesn’t? But I was getting a bit frustrated that it wasn’t really happening, so I brought it up. I didn’t ask anyone out right if they wanted to go out, but I did touch the subject.  The Baby Daddy said he wanted to ask me out but just didn’t speak up when the opportunity presented itself.

We finally spoke on the phone and it was awesome, for lack of a better word. If our written chemistry was good, or verbal chemistry was even better. We spoke three times regarding our date. Which he later asked if we could not call it a date and approach this as if we were becoming friends, fine by me as it takes some of the pressure off of things. Except, after that, he would always refer to it as… a date.

The Date

Initially we were talking about going to see Madame Butterfly at the Lyric Opera house which I was really excited about, but he suggested that we do something prior to that, so the night of our non-date came and we decided to meet up at Café la Cave. I’ve dated before but it’s usually been more of a budding relationship between friends, so dates were more casual and relaxed and there wasn’t that whole “getting to know you” process that you have with a stranger. But I’d never really been OUT, or done anything super fancy, which is part of what I found exciting about the plans that we were putting together. If you haven’t been (or heard of) Café la Cave, it’s a banquet hall, with a small restaurant/bar. It’s a NICE place, I mean white linen table cloths and expensive food kind of nice.

I waited outside, saw a guy walk into the building and then back out. It was him, he’d walked right past me. I didn’t even know it was him because he didn’t look like the guy in the pictures I’d seen. I’m not sure exactly what it was but he just looked different. We greeted each other and went into the restaurant, he asked me if we needed reservations, we didn’t. If you’re the one planning the date it’s probably a good idea to look into the place that you’re going to.

We walk in, look over the menu and he notices how much it actually costs. As we’re looking he made a comment about the price range that I should consider. He laughed afterwards and played if off like a joke, but it made me a bit uncomfortable. I’m not going out on dates for a free meal. We order our food (I got the Chicken Piccata, he got a green salad and a seafood platter) and started talking.

We talked about everything and anything, and maybe even a few things that you’re not supposed to – religion/politics etc.

He. Could. Talk!

Which isn’t that big of a deal because I’m not much of a talker so at least one of us could create some noise. It wasn’t a horrible night, but I had become a bit disillusioned by the person who actually showed up, he wasn’t exactly what I had imagined (which is one of the bad things about online dating). We spent a good chunk of the evening talking, after the restaurant had closed we decided to hang out and talk some more. Before I realized it, it was after 3am. I really just wanted it to end, I wanted it to end right after dinner but I couldn’t think of a way to make that happen without being rude. Plus, he had made some comments about how people sometimes cut the night short after dinner rather than go through with the entire night and that he wasn’t rude like that, so I didn’t want to be an asshole. He’d also made a comment about how people can rule others out due to certain ‘road blocks’. In our previous conversations he had alluded to the fact that his life wasn’t perfect and that he had done a lot of soul-searching and personal growth in the last few years, but he never came out and said exactly what those “road blocks” were… until about 4am on the night of our first date.

The Reveal

Homeboy has 2 kids, which he made absolutely NO mention of prior to that moment. He said that he hadn’t mentioned it because people are quick to rule him out and think of him as being undateable.

No, I don’t necessarily think that having kids makes a person undateable, I think not TELLING someone who you are trying to date that you have kids makes you undateable. I’m not saying that I wouldn’t date someone with kids, but more that I wouldn’t do that right now, because I am in no way ready to deal with that kind of responsibility. Whether it be my own kids or someone else’s kids.

When he told me this I applauded him for being a good father (or trying to be) but I felt uneasy about the fact that he hadn’t mentioned it in the weeks prior to us meeting. I mean, what else could he have been keeping to himself? He had no problem telling me about his ex fiance, and the demise of their relationship (that’s where baby#1 came from), or about the hippy lady he met who now lived in New Mexico (baby#2).

We ended the night and went our separate ways, at least I thought that was the end of it.

Around 10am the next day (I was still very much asleep) my phone rang and it was him. I woke up to a voice-mail message asking if I wanted to meet him and his oldest son  at Gameworks. I felt like such an ass for not responding but what could I say? Thankfully the night before I had explained that I wasn’t looking for anything serious. He was a nice guy, just… not the guy for me.

The Lesson

I have a hard enough time meeting people and actually going on dates, so as a lesson to myself (and hopefully to you readers) here are 6 things you shouldn’t do on a first date. Or on any date for that matter, I mean some of these can slide as you get to know a person and become more comfortable with one another. But otherwise, just no.

1. Don’t misrepresent yourself – There are way too many stories out there of people being catfished, (online) dating is scary enough without this issue. But like I said in the beginning, be honest about who you are up front. If you’re into online dating make sure your shit is up to date. Slight modifications are fine, but if your picture is of you from 10 years ago, clean skin, looking healthy and you show up looking old, ratchety and 30 pounds lighter (in that I’ve lived a rough life) kind of way… we’re going to have issues.
2. Do your research – When planning a date I like to be prepared. I will look into every detail of the place that I’m going to before I confirm plans. Why? Because I don’t like surprises. That and it can be a bit embarrassing if you show up to a place that requires reservations, and you’re the jackass that doesn’t have any. Or how about this… it’s a cash only place… and you only have a credit card. Does that mean I’m going to have to pay? If so it’s a good thing that I plan ahead like this and bring cash out with me!
3. Don’t talk about money – Honestly I can’t justify paying a shit ton of money for food, especially when I don’t know the person I’m dining with, so I’m not going to get the $58 dollar dish. Hell, I won’t get steak or seafood if it’s more than $20ish, instead I’ll go with chicken or a salad. I’m not going to have some guy pay $100+ for a meal that may not even go well! If we were dating exclusively then that’s be a different story.
4. Making someone feel guilty isn’t nice – Like I said, I couldn’t think of a way to end the date that wouldn’t be rude. But his comment about how people are rude for essentially being upfront about their feelings did not help the situation one bit. The person you’re out with should want to be out with you on their own free will, not because you’ve pegged them as rude for not wanting to lead you on.
5. Don’t HIDE important information – It’s one thing to omit the fact that you have a weird obsession with pickles, but completely different to omit the fact that you’re a father. Not to mention that the section of your online dating profile says “I do not have kids”. That just makes me think you’re ashamed of this huge life decision that you made.
6. If you have kids, don’t bring them around right away – I mean really… does this really need to be explained? If I had kids I wouldn’t want them to meet every Tom, Dick and Jane that I’ve ever dated. It would be too confusing.

So there you have it… on top of everything else that you have to keep in mind or worry about on a first date, these should be pretty high up on your list.