10 Ways Sweet Valley High Totally Ruined My Life

If you’re a female who grew up in the 80’s and early 90’s, then you’ve probably read a Sweet Valley High book once or twice (…or maybe a few hundred times) in your lifetime.

I may be 31, but I still hold a special place in my heart for Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield, and based on the plethora of SVH-related Buzzfeed posts, I know I’m not alone. (Don’t tell anyone, but I may or may not have re-adjusted my answers to the Which Sweet Valley High Character Are You? on Buzzfeed until I got Elizabeth, because my initial result was Enid. EW.)

Recently, I stumbled upon my epic collection of Sweet Valley High books and began re-reading them. I’m pretty sure drowning myself in the teenage exploits of Elizabeth and Jessica was some sort of stress-related regression thing, but that is neither here nor there.

After I made my way through several soap opera-worthy books such as “Say Goodbye”, “Malibu Summer”, and “Forbidden Love”, it hit me:

Elizabeth, Jessica and all of their friends, lovers and exploits in Sweet Valley have totally ruined life, dating and adulthood for me with their lies.

And you know what? I bet they ruined it for a lot of other girls, too. 

With that in mind, I created a list of the many lies that Elizabeth, Jessica and all of Sweet Valley High told every 20 to 30-something female. Bitches. 

1. Prince Charming LITERALLY exists.

OF COURSE Elizabeth and Jessica are friends with royalty. Like, a few times over. And of course one of them falls madly in love with Elizabeth, who decides to turn him down, because she’s good and pure and wholesome. Well, until she cheats on Todd a few times, that is… and even then, she’s still good and pure and wholesome, because Elizabeth.

Anyway, whatever. I mean, we all know someone who is friends with royalty, right? RIGHT?! (Asking for a friend)

2. Fairy tale endings? They definitely happen, and they usually involve rock stars (obvi). 

Sorry, ladies – if you accept that date with Bob in accounting in the hopes that he’s secretly your favorite rock star pretending to be a mere mortal, you’ll be sorely disappointed. Unless you’re Jessica and Elizabeth, of course.

They go traipsing off to Malibu for a summer, meet their favorite pop star (who happens to be in disguise), and of course he falls in love with Elizabeth… who turns him down (are you noticing a theme here?). After being rejected by Liz, he performs a tearful, touching song he wrote about their brief relationship at his concert. Because that’s what rock stars do when they’re not doing lines of coke.

3. Your entire 20’s won’t even be half as eventful as Jessica and Elizabeth’s junior year of high school

Let’s face it – these bitches had a better social life at age sixteen than you or I ever will. Not that this is necessarily a good thing, of course. I mean, seriously… I may spend most of my evenings at home with my cats instead of on a date at the Dairi Burger or at the Beach Disco, but at least I’m not getting stalked by a girl who is trying to kill me so she can steal my identity and take over my life, amiright?

4. You’ll date about 345 guys (and no one will ever question it) 

Well, unless you’re “Easy Annie”, anyway. Then you’re a total whore who should be treated like a leper. But I digress…

I have about 17 years of dating experience under my belt, yet somehow Jessica has managed to date more men at age sixteen than I have in my entire life, including movie stars, rock stars (see #2), royalty (see #1), bad boys, rich boys, foreign boys, a guy with a pedo ‘stache (who I’m still not convinced wasn’t actually Freddie Mercury), and, well, basically every guy in school that hasn’t died yet.

5. Hey! It’s fun to date psychos! 

So your boyfriend is unemployed, living in his mom’s basement and hasn’t showered since last Monday. Think you’ve got it bad? Sorry, honey! Your relationship troubles are nothing compared to Jessica’s. Let’s recap, shall we? She’s dated a murderer or two, sociopaths, and at least two of her boyfriends have ended up dead.

…Then again, at least she didn’t date a WEREWOLF like some people we know. We’re looking at you, Elizabeth.

6. You’ll stay young forever. FOR-EV-ER.

I mean, seriously. The perfect twins have been sixteen since the year I was born *, yet somehow I’m the one that is about to turn 32? My biological clock is just about to start ticking, and Jessica and Elizabeth are still a “perfect size six” and off to their umpteenth spring break trip to Europe and 3rd or 4th junior prom. Although to be fair, Jessica did ruin their first prom by causing Elizabeth to kill her boyfriend, so I guess we’re kinda even.

7. Unicorns exist…

…No, not the purple-wearing Unicorns that we all know and love – I’m referring to Todd Wilkins*. I mean, did you really think that Todd Wilkins-types actually exist and that you were going to meet a tall, hot, muscular athlete who’s also sensitive and loving and writes you poems, only wants to gaze into your eyes and kiss and is emotionally open? HAHAHAHAHAHA.

8. …And PTSD doesn’t

So, let me get this straight: Elizabeth and Jessica have been kidnapped multiple times, stalked numerous times, nearly murdered a handful of times, have accidentally killed someone and have been subsequently jailed and put on trial, have had countless friends die in tragic ways… and yet they’re still happy, peppy, popular, outgoing and not in therapy? Uh… OKAY.

Oh and by the way – Ned and Alice? You should probably stop leaving the twins home alone. Just saying.

9. You’ll never have to scoop ice cream

At just 16 years old, the oh-so-perfect twins manage to land gigs as: interns at a fashion magazine, au pairs for a royal family, interns at Sweet Valley News, a matchmaker, and as interns at The London Journal working the Scotland Yard beat… because of course that’s not a recipe for disaster.

Meanwhile, there are millions of 20-something college grads who would probably be overjoyed to land an internship at a something as mundane as a freaking construction company.

10. You can be an awful person, but as long as you’re pretty, it’s OK

As long as you’re beautiful, you can get away with a lot. You can cheat on your long-term boyfriend numerous times but everyone will still think of you as loyal and caring. You can continually stab everyone you know in the back, yet you’ll still be popular and loved. You can secretly spike your twin sister’s drink, causing her to kill your boyfriend and end up in prison, yet experience no repercussions. You can steal your sister’s and best friends’ boyfriends, yet not ruin friendships.

Basically, you can be a total fucking scumbag, but as long as you’re a “perfect size six” with blonde hair, a”peaches-and-cream complexion” and “aquamarine eyes the color of the Pacific Ocean”, it’s OK. But if you’re fat, unpopular, unattractive or have “dorky” hobbies, you’re basically shit outta luck. Check back with us after you try to kill yourself, Easy Annie.

* And yes, I realize things changed a little with the release of Sweet Valley Confidential… but I’m not here to ruin everything with spoilers.