2013 vs. 2014: We’re Spilling Our Secret Dating Resolutions!
It’s a new day… actually, it’s a new year! So you know what that means: new beginnings, changes, self improvements, and… oh, who are we kidding – we’ll be lucky if we can keep all of this up into February! I mean, we are all perfectly fabulous the way we are, right?! Even still, we’ve taken the time to reflect on the past year and think about what (if anything) we need to do in 2014.
With this in mind, a few of the SecretLivesChi bloggers got together to spill the dirt and answer the following question: How was your dating life in 2013 and what will you be doing differently in 2014?
At the end of 2012, it hit me – my self-imposed dating strike had lasted not just a few months, but a few years. Whoops. I promised myself that I’d start dating again in 2013, that I’d have a date to take to the summer weddings I had to attend, and that I’d be secure in a relationship by the time NYE rolled around once again. Yeah, about that…
The reason I’m still single is simple: I gave up after a few failed attempts. Like any good New Year’s resolution, I started off strong. I reactivated and revamped the OKCupid profile I’d once made as a joke with colleagues, squared my shoulders, and started responding to messages. Needless to say that the time summer hit, I’d made it through a few failed almost-relationships with seemingly nice guys-turned-douchebags, lost my resolve, and began letting the unread messages pile up on OKCupid. And, as I may have mentioned once or twice on this blog, my inability to make eye contact has pretty much screwed my chances of meeting anyone in person. The months flew by, and here I am.
This year, I’m doing what I should have done in 2013. If I could go back to January 1, 2013 and give myself a bit of advice, I’d tell myself this: don’t get emotionally invested in anyone who isn’t your boyfriend and never put all of your eggs in one basket. Stop procrastinating on the dating front. Stop worrying about the things that a man might find fault in, and start focusing on the things that they’ll love. Stop feeling as if I need to be polite to people who don’t deserve it, especially at the cost of my own sanity. Oh, and forget the whole ‘three date rule’ – when it comes to men from OKCupid, make that shit a thirteen date rule. (Just kidding… kinda.) Most importantly? Demand respect, sista.
After a hiatus from online dating, I jumped back on OkCupid at the start of 2013, eager to make sure I wasn’t going to stay cold for the winter. OkCupid was pretty good then, which means I soon found myself in a situation — dating two guys at the same time. Both were good candidates, but after a few weeks, the latter was gaining speed in winning my heart and thankfully, the former dropped off to figure himself out (aka date someone else). Which was fine. I was happy, thinking I had finally landed the relationship. That happiness would end weeks later as I would soon learn in a taxi break-up that he was dating someone else, too, and there was “just something missing.” (Nothing I hadn’t considered, given my earlier circumstances, but I thought I was winning.) Disappointed, but not shocked, I kept at it again with a few more that ended in meh and “I told you to please stop calling me.” By Fall, a new friendship turned into more than just friends but since this is my dating life, this one needed “time” to come down off of a bad relationship and many other “things,” but still thought late night texts were appropriate. Whomp, whomp.
So it is 2014, and I am still single, but I’ve learned a little more this past year: When a man tells you something, listen to exactly what he’s saying. Your intuition is stronger than you think — if it feels like he’s pulling away, he is. It’s better to say good-bye at the door until the relationship is established (aka keep your pants on until you know exactly what the deal is), otherwise, get a dildo or a friends with benefits. If it feels hard, complicated or dramatic, it’s a challenge, not a relationship, make room for the latter. If the only time he checks in is at odd hours or on the weekends, you should be busy. And ladies, if you’re waiting for the phone to whistle, ring or do whatever sound it makes, you’ve lost the game.
So my resolution for dating in 2014? Stay true to my standards, give and demand respect and move along quietly if I don’t get it. Oh, and wear more skirts and heels, because I have great legs.
Dating in 2014… hmm, obviously I’d like it to be better, maybe not different, but definitely better.
I mean 2013 wasn’t a bad year considering I’d been on more dates (with strangers) than I ever have (even with me silently screaming STRANGER DANGER at each meeting). I’m hoping that continues– the dating, not the silent screaming.
I am S L O W L Y breaking out of my shy girl shell, and I do mean slowly, but I’m making more of an effort, that’s for sure. However, dating is as time-consuming as looking for a job. You can only spend so much time on websites and apps before your friends start to worry that dating is the ONLY thing going on in your life, or rather trying to date in my case. I assure you dating isn’t my only concern…even though I’ve recently turned 31, and have been single for far longer than I’d like to admit.
But again, this year wasn’t bad! I’ve met my fair share of interesting people; it was filled with unrequited love, more LDR potentials, interesting love affairs (sometimes even inappropriate) and some serious soul-searching. And yet I still haven’t figured out exactly what I’m doing. I’m still looking for that “dating for dumb girls” guidebook. If anyone knows where I can get it, please let me know. I’m thinking maybe less online dating and more cold approaches? Although, I am still having a hard time with the cold approach. Definitely more eye contact, less hiding and loads of reading through fPUA for any valuable pieces of advice.
2014, what do you have in store for my love-life? Many people make New Year’s Resolutions. I do not. Unless of course you consider “being the most awesome version of myself” a resolution. I do not intend to change anything that I have been doing to rev up my love life. Some folks may consider that foolish, some may even say, “Well it isn’t working for you, so maybe you should try something different.” But guess what. It is working…working for me. I am a firm believer in that everything happens for a reason and at the time it is meant to be. Just because I haven’t dated or been in a serious relationship doesn’t make me any less of a person–it just means I won’t settle and maybe I’ve already met the “right” guy….just at the “wrong” time. I’m not going to change who I am simply to have some man-candy. I’ll meet my guy (or in my warped vision–the guy will meet ME) when I am supposed to and on my own accord. This is me; love it or hate it. I won’t adjust my antics just to attract more men. Nope. Not happening. Even if that means me being single for this year…which makes for a really boring blogging contributor and antithesis of this blog. So who wants to set me up with some men?
In 2013, I definitely set myself up for some dating failures. I was on a pretty consistent roller coaster to go on as many dates as I could. I felt that I needed to “put myself out there,” because who knows–Mr. Right could have been the next date. Well, scratch that, that didn’t work out. In fact, I ended up getting frustrated after so many failed dates with men that I just wasn’t interested in that I went on a dating break. After several months of a self-imposed break from dating, I jumped back on the horse and gave it another try. Honestly, it was the same thing, men I just wasn’t interested in. I don’t think I realized what I was doing wrong until watching Oprah’s Lifeclass tonight. I, like many women, bitch and moan about how we always attract losers. Well on Lifeclass they basically said yes, women can attract “weak ass men,” but it’s our fault if we keep them. We have the power to say no, we aren’t interested. I was basically going on these dates with people that I knew deep down weren’t right for me. Giving chances, because I was afraid I was being too picky. Well I was wrong, I was setting myself up to settle, and thank God I didn’t.
Thankfully, 2014 is here and I can jump off the dating roller coaster and focus more on what I truly want and deserve. I think there is something to be said for putting yourself out there and meeting new people, but at this point I am going to make sure in that process I am not wasting my time on people who aren’t a match for me. Dating is a task. I spent much of 2013 dating online; I’d like to get out more in 2014 and meet people organically. I think I’ve gotten shy because I’m always hiding behind a computer screen when getting to know men. Also, I am going to hate this, but I have got to stop being the texter. I have got to require men to pick up the phone. As much as I hate talking on the phone, I have got to make the effort to talk on the phone and not text.
Here’s to hoping 2014 has a great guy in store for me and the other Secret Lives Chi bloggers 🙂
