When To Say I Love You? Hint: Not On The 2nd Date
No three words have ever caused as much dating grief as the phrase, “I love you,” and today’s guest writer has a case of open foot, insert mouth when it comes to it. Does anyone really know when to say I love you? Hint: Not on the 2nd date.
Whitney Houston’s immortal words ring in my ears whenever I start a new relationship (which, admittedly, is quite often since my relationships seem to top out at the 3-4 week mark). The guys I’m with never seem to have to ask themselves, “How will I know if she really loves me?” because I have this nasty habit of saying “I love you” (very much by accident) early on in the relationship. Like date two. Oy vey.
I have a tragic case of word vomit. Or word diarrhea. Whatever’s worse (Answer: diarrhea). Of course I don’t actually love these people; that would be insane. For the most part, these are men I have met using online dating sites. Things start off well: we go on a date, have some great conversation, maybe make out a bit. By the second date, we could be curled up on the couch watching some TV, making out some more, and BOOM! It suddenly hits me. I can feel it brewing and I know what’s about to come out. And yet, I’m powerless to stop it.
“I…love…you”. (Imagine it spoken in slow motion, like Sloth in The Goonies.)
Suddenly, I’m on full alert. This cannot be happening AGAIN! My brain and mouth should know by now the warning signs that signify the return of my word diarrhea. I should know full well how to prevent these three little words from coming out and landing like a turd in the pool of my date. But no. There is no stopping the “I love you” train once it has left the station. Instead, I can only try to put the fire out, which is nearly impossible when you’re dealing with skittish 20/30-something single men.
Their reaction is generally one of horror. They look stunned and scared. Since we don’t know each other very well on the second date (obviously), they have no way of knowing if I’m serious, crazy, or just seriously crazy. And I get it. They have no time to prepare a reaction to my word diarrhea. If someone told me they loved me on the second date, I’d hightail it in the opposite direction. It’s an extremely confusing situation.
My standard plan is to currently bolt upright, profusely apologize for the horrific sentence that has just entered the atmosphere, and try to explain myself. “No of course I don’t love you! I love this…what we’re doing here…it’s really nice.” But really…the damage has been done. I think I know why it happens. Lying down on a couch, cuddling, checking out my favorite comedian’s latest video on Netflix, these are all things I love to do. And I articulate that quite often. “I LOVE this comedian.” “I LOVE being lazy on the couch.” “I FUCKING LOVE cuddling.” So the thing is, I think my brain takes that one step further and applies it to the person I’m with. It’s just unfortunate that those three little words can cause a man’s head to explode.
So what now? Well I’ve already sent several men running for the hills. So that’s that. And you know what? Good riddance. If they can’t handle a woman’s honest mistake, then they’re clearly not worth keeping around. But I have also made a concerted effort, especially on date two, to be aware of the word diarrhea triggers.
“Would you like to watch some TV on the couch?” he might ask.
“Oh no, I’ll just stand over here…ALL NIGHT,” I respond.
“Do you like to cuddle?”
“YES! I mean NO, no I hate it.”
Now that I know the triggers, I’m empowered to avoid the “I love you” bomb. I’d also like to reiterate that I don’t fall in love that easily. I just enjoy the moment and the wrong sentence comes out, albeit one that tends to carry a lot of weight. I guess all there is left to do now is avoid it on dates 3, 4, 5, etc. until I actually am in love with someone. The goal is to find that special person who inspires me to say those three little words for real. And if I happen to fuck up in front of him with my stinky word diarrhea on date two, he’ll have sense enough to laugh it off and see where things go.
Do YOU know when to say I love you? Tell us your “I love you” horror stories!
About the Author
Carolyn somehow manages to be a politically conservative francophile who has her sights set on moving to London. By day, she manages technical support for Sprout Social. By night, she tries to keep up with Chicago’s restaurant scene, all while trying not to spill the whiskey in her glass.
