F*ck Closure: How To Cope After You’ve Been Ghosted
It was that lump in your throat moment that many of us are all-too-familiar with.
I’d been having the best time dating this guy. The connection was electric. Our conversations were this delicious blend of playful, flirty banter mixed with deeper moments of honesty and openness. The attraction was wildly distracting and took me to a place I’d been longing to feel for a while. And then… he just disappeared.
I’d forgotten how much it hurt— all of it. Missing his touch, the way his funny texts put the biggest smile on my face, the lovely anticipation of our incredible dates, knowing how much I turned him on and the intoxicating feeling of being turned on too.
In that moment and in the days that followed, I felt this horrible mix of embarrassment, sadness, and loss. It’s easy to blame yourself and beat yourself up when someone you’re dating rejects you, especially when it happens without a conversation or closure.
After a few days of escaping into cheesy Hallmark movies and cookie dough ice cream, I did what I always do when I don’t know what to do— I turned to my mentors. Over the following weeks, I got my hands on every dating, attraction, and relationship podcast and YouTube video that I could find. Suddenly, something very weird happened. I began to feel grateful. Grateful for the magical moments that we shared and the intense emotions that he brought out in me, that I hadn’t felt in ages. And maybe even more importantly, grateful for the opportunity to discover more about myself, about men, and about relationships that I hadn’t until now.
Below are some of my favorite lessons from Matthew Hussey and Mat Boggs with links to the videos that got me there. If you’re currently dealing with a breakup or if you’re wondering how to cope after you’ve been ghosted, I hope this helps you to appreciate everything the relationship gave you and extract all the valuable lessons that resulted from it ending.
Your time is the treasure of your life— the most valuable thing you’ll ever have. Don’t waste it on seeking closure from a person who, by his actions, has shown you he’s not worthy of it.
Reflect, Learn & Grow
Don’t blame yourself or beat yourself up. Instead, consider what you could do differently or better with your next guy. Do you have negative behaviors that are a pattern in your relationships? Responding by improving and growing is always the answer, even in situations where it isn’t necessarily your fault.
For example, there were definitely a few mistakes I made with The Ghoster. I fell for his potential, an idealized version of him, rather than the real man in front of me. I sold myself on him far too soon, before he had a chance to prove himself to me. I believed his words, not his actions. Someone’s words show you who they aspire to be— their actions tell you who they are. People are always showing you who they are. If their actions don’t match their words, judge their actions first.
More importantly, I invested in him and the idea of us based on the incredible connection I felt. You should never invest in a man or a relationship based on the attraction you feel. Instead, invest based on how much he invests in you.
Change Your Story
All events are neutral— it’s the meaning we ascribe to them that makes us feel a certain way. You can re-frame any experience. In the case of a breakup, that can mean shifting from believing, “I got rejected” or “I’m not good enough” to, “I just learned an incredible lesson that will make me better in my future relationships.”
Gratitude is one of the most powerful emotions and life hacks out there. What did this relationship or breakup teach you that you can be grateful for? Maybe it’s the memories of incredible moments together. Maybe it’s the fact that it happened now (instead of a year from now) so that you’re free to move on and be with someone even better — one who’s actually ready for a relationship. Maybe it’s the lessons it’s taught you about yourself and men. Whatever it is, gratitude has a unique power to move you from a negative state (self-pity, anger, or sadness) and prepare you to…
Make New Moments
When you’re ready to move on, don’t focus on finding love- it’s too big, too overwhelming. Instead, simply seek out amazing moments. Open yourself up to an unexpected conversation with a stranger. Flirt with a guy you’re attracted to. Compliment a random person on the street. Or do an unexpected favor for someone.
If you found this helpful, I’d love for you to share it with someone who might benefit. And if you’re going to try out one of the video tips above, tweet your action step or ah-ha moment to @MatthewHussey, @MathewBoggs or me, @LeapCast.
Remember, relationships are about potential— don’t give up on yours because your all wasn’t good enough for the wrong guy. The right person is always the person who chooses you. So if you’re dealing with heartache, take time reflect on how you can bring an even better version of yourself to your next relationship, re-frame the experience into a positive event, shift into gratitude, and move on to having spectacular new moments.
There truly are amazing people out there waiting to meet you right now.
About the Author
Leah Marshall works in business development for a Chicago-based marketing association. In her spare time, you’ll find Leah rocking out on the dance floor, boxing, taking a class at Soho House, or in the yoga studio. Leah’s also a total podcast and learning junkie— her favorites include The School of Greatness, The Art of Charm and The Model Health School. You can connect with Leah on LinkedIn or Twitter.
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