We’re Answering The Question: Why Am I Single?

Every woman over the age of 25 who, if not single by choice, has probably asked herself the question – “For real, why am I single?” Some seek therapy on the subject, hoping to uncover some inner psychological reason. Others will blame all the tools and douchebags out there for the status, while others will wonder if something is inherently wrong with them that only the male population can sense because everyone else tells them how freakin’ awesome they are.

As a couple of ladies who’ve been single longer than most people have been able to legally drink or at least drive, we reveal why we’re still single.

Outside of being emotionally unavailable, impatient and lingering daddy issues, I can’t for the life of me figure out why I’m single. And then you get asked this on a date:

“I mean, forgive me for saying this, and don’t take this wrong, but how are you single? You’re awesome.”

Short of having to stop myself from saying, “Well, if this works out between us, I won’t be”  — Duh!, it was another notch on the “things that confuse me, too” list. Cheers buddy.

I’ve been notoriously single. Don’t get me wrong, I date a shit-load. Married people look at me with awe, with fascination, like a single-but-shouldn’t-be-single gecko. Fun? Check. Sexy? Check. Smart? Check. Feisty? Check. Cultured? Check. Good in the kitchen? Check. Great in bed? . . . wait, we’re still getting to know each other here. Point is, I’d put a ring on it if I could or at least stick around for an end of the year report.

I’ve racked my brain on this, examined my psyche, wondered if my “won’t date anyone below 5’ foot 9” might have anything to do with it (yes, I know it does, but I have to give my future offspring some chance at height in life. You put two short people together, you’re going to get a family that, together, can’t reach the top shelf).

“He’s just not the right one!” My circle keeps telling me, trying to find reason in an unreasonable scenario when Mr. Right becomes “Mr. Almost Right” All. The. Time.

I know, I’m not the only gal out there that shares this story and yes, I’ve let some good, take-home-to-mama guys slip away, so I shouldn’t complain. However, must I be relegated to the idea that maybe it just won’t happen for me and that I will never magically bump elbows with “the one” in the produce aisle next to the tomatoes? (Total fantasy by the way.) Should I just get over my allergies and get cats?

Then I did a blinded survey on wings, one plate eaten by a man (not-single), one eaten by me (single), his cleaned down to the bone, mine, a wing massacre. What were the personalities behind the wings? The answer of my remaining carcasses revealed what years of therapy hadn’t:

“Non-sucking, overfed, inhibited Type B with ADD that likes to stay clean and is fun for the night but not mom material.”

You know, sometimes the answer is just right in front of you and it’s smeared in buffalo sauce.

(PS. I don’t have daddy issues, dad – if you’re reading this, which I hope you’re not, because it’s about to get awkward.)

Why am I single? I wish I could say that it’s because I’m doing some phenomenal soul searching or that I’m figuring myself out. No, that’s not it at all, while that has happened along the way it’s not the reason WHY just an added bonus.

I’m good at three things:

1. Finding the guy who sparks up my life but doesn’t live within driving distance. I don’t mind a getaway once in a while but when you’re spending more time traveling than actually with your SO it becomes a bit tiresome. Eventually you have to have the dreaded “what now” conversation that leads to who will move where, and if that’s even an option. This is one of the moments where I fail, I don’t want to move and I’m pretty stubborn about it.

2. Finding the guy who’s emotionally stunted and/or just not ready to have an adult relationship. They can be fun, and sometimes I might do them a little good, but ultimately we won’t end up walking down that road to “happily ever after”. And that’s something that I’d ultimately like to do.

3. Being “one of the guys”. I’ve been called a “forward thinker” but I think that is mostly because I can be kind of a perv and not necessarily shy about something that someone might consider a “taboo” topic. I know my way around the proverbial locker room and I’ve spent many years learning the lingo. The only problem is that sometimes I find myself so deep in that friend zone that there’s no coming out the other end.

Here’s hoping I’ve worked through all of the kinks.

That awkward moment when a guy says, “Lisa, I don’t understand how you’re still single!” followed by an insinuation that we should date… and then they figure out exactly why I’m still singe:

Hi, my name is Lisa, and I’m a man dodger.

Yes, I dodge men.

If I know someone likes me, I’ll avoid them like the plague. I have an OKCupid profile… but I get a panic attack anytime I log on, and I’ve only responded to about ten messages in the year or so I’ve been on the site. Men will try to make eye contact with me on the street, and I’ll suddenly find something very interesting on the sidewalk, or on my phone, or in my purse…

Anyway, you get the idea. And it’s not just random men I hope to avoid – it’s men I actually like. Example: several years ago, I saw this guy on a friend’s Facebook profile and practically swooned – he was basically the embodiment of my perfect man. After some debate, I decided to take my chances, be completely creepy and friend request him. Long story short, he messaged me, we hit it off, talked for weeks… and then he asked me out. And I dodged him. I continued to turn him down so many times that he got frustrated with me and gave up – and rightfully so.

Sayonara, Mr. Perfect.

Before you think I’m playing some twisted game of “hard to get”, I’m not – I loathe those silly dating games. Rather, I’m scared. I’m scared that if I make eye contact with the hot guy on the street, I’ll have to give him my number. I’m scared that if I open those messages, I’ll feel obligated to reply, or I’ll hurt someone’s feelings for not replying. I’m scared that if I go on a date with a guy I’m iffy about, I’ll somehow end up in a relationship with someone I don’t even like all that much, solely because I’m too nice to break it off. And I’m scared that if I go on a date with Mr. Perfect, he’ll reject me, or break my heart. In some sick way, it’s almost like I prefer leaving things open-ended because it’s easier to cope with the “might have beens” than the emotional repercussions of taking a chance.

Why am I like this? I suppose it has something to do with the fact that I almost got married at age 20, to the boyfriend I had been with since age 14. While he was saving for an engagement ring, I was feeling miserably, depressingly, arranged marriage-level trapped. I finally worked my way out of that relationship (after many, many, many failed breakup attempts) and didn’t stay single for very long. Instead, I entered into another relationship. In fact, I’ve been in my fair share of relationships since then – and many have ended with me feeling trapped (including one that ended in suicide threats – him, not me). In fact, the only relationship I’ve been in where I was really, truly, madly in love with the other person ended in him ripping my heart out of my chest and smashing it on the ground… you know, after I sat around and remained loyal to him while he was on tour for four months, but I digress.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see what the issue is here: I’m not at a point in my life where I want to be in a relationship, and it’s easier to subconsciously avoid dating completely than to date around and waste people’s time and invest emotional energy into something that I don’t even want at the moment.

On the bright side,at least I’m self-aware enough to realize it. So here I am, participating in this damn blog in the hopes that it will force me to suck it up, start reciprocating eye contact, and begin wading through those 98 unread messages on OKCupid…

Oh, and if you recognize me because I’ve blown you off at any point over the last few years, I’m sorry. It’s not you, it’s me – really.

Of all the things I’m determined to accomplish in my life – the goals I set and the plans I make – a relationship is never usually one of them. I’m not the girl who has planned out every detail of her dream wedding and has been waiting for that day since childhood. I’ve never in my life been the type to seek out a relationship or felt like I’d be “forever alone” if I didn’t find a man soon.

I’m pretty laid back when it comes to dating and I’m starting to realize I may be “too comfortable” with being alone. However, I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I think that’s simply where I’m at in my life right now. I’m an entrepreneur who is trying to build a career and company and I invest all my free time in doing that. So on the surface level, it’s easy to say this explains why I’m single – because it doesn’t really bother me that I’m single and I don’t really allow myself much time for a relationship right now.

On the flip side, it has crossed my mind that there’s more to it than that. My parents got divorced when I was about 13 and that devastated me. I can’t say this created a “fear of commitment” because I’ve had two serious relationships (and my fair share of dating outside of those) – but I can say that I’m not completely sold on the “fairytale” of falling in love. I like to call my approach to love and relationships, “guarded by divorce.” I’m very aware that love is difficult and takes a lot of work to last, but that it can also be a great and fulfilling experience.

I guess the jury is still out on the final decision of “why I’m really single.” Who knows, maybe this blog will help me realize that I’m too guarded… or maybe it will solidify my original thought that I’m single because I’m actually ok with it and am focusing my attention elsewhere. In the meantime, if someone comes along that is a good match, great! If not, I’m not quite to the point yet where I’m worried that I’ll be alone for the rest of eternity. I have faith that everything will work out the way it’s supposed to.