Conscious Coupling: 4 Tips For Creating More Conscious Relationships

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When Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin used the phrase “conscious uncoupling” to announce their separation, it brought to light the possibility of ending relationships without trauma and drama; and for having ease, peace and kindness in a process that most people believe has to be an unhappy struggle.

What if adding consciousness creates a different possibility, not just for leaving relationships, but for being in them too? What would conscious coupling actually be like?

To consider how you can create more conscious relationships, let’s look at what consciousness actually is.

The misnomer about consciousness is that it is something that equips us better to find what will complete, heal and resolve things in our lives. But in actuality, consciousness is about recognizing that you are not incomplete or limited, nor are you a problem to be solved. Consciousness is about acknowledging that you have infinite choices and capacities, and to always be open to greater possibilities.

Consciousness is actually very pragmatic.

A conscious relationship should be something that adds to your life – both individually, and together. It’s about contributing to each other, having a sense of freedom and empowerment, so that your lives get greater as a result of your choice to be a couple.

Here are my top 4 pragmatic tips for creating more consciousness in your relationships:

1. Acknowledge that no one has the perfect partner

Or is the perfect partner, for that matter. In a conscious relationship, being perfect is not part of the criteria. It’s not about being ok with everything about our partner, either. It’s about knowing what works for you and being willing to look at how you can create that, rather than just letting resentment build. For example, I have a friend who always squeezes his toothpaste from the bottom of the tube, and his wife squeezed it from the middle. It drove him crazy. He kept telling himself “it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter”, but then one day, he just exploded and yelled, “Why can’t you just squeeze from the bottom?!” It took him 10 years of marriage and a tantrum to realize that there is a very practical solution: you can just have 2 tubes of toothpaste. Look for the pragmatic choices you have. Being conscious in your coupling doesn’t mean trying to be or have the perfect partner, it means being willing to look at a situation and ask “what is the most practical choice we can make here so that it works for both of us?”

2. Give up the idea that relationship is an answer to anything;

it’s actually a choice you make in every moment. Most relationships are built on the idea that their partner will solve some problem for them, or fill some missing element. This is one of our most unconscious ways of functioning in relationships – and it’s also brilliant because it means we never have to commit to our relationships either! We can leave the backdoor open, wait for things to go wrong, and then leave. If you are truly going to create a successful, conscious relationship, it really starts with closing the back doors and saying “OK, I am going to be here good bad or ugly, until it absolutely can’t change.” And from there, look at the possibilities you have in your relationship, not at the answers you think it has to provide. Which brings us to tip number 3…

3. Questions are conscious. Answers are not.

A question empowers us to change anything, and answers really do the opposite – they kill possibilities. So in conscious coupling, questions are an essential element. Most of us have been walking the same path for so long, ever since we started our relationship,so that we have worn ourselves into a rut: there’s walls to the left and right, and we can’t see any other choices. When you ask questions like “what else is possible here that we haven’t considered?” possibilities open up that you never saw before. What will happen is you will get an awareness of something you can do different that will allow a shift in the areas you feel stuck. The possibilities and how they present themselves specifically will be different for each and every couple and individual. Consciousness is about being willing to do what works for your relationship, no matter how different that looks from anyone else’s.

4. Don’t use your relationship as a platform to judge.

Consciousness includes everything and judges nothing, including you, your partner and your relationships. When you eliminate judgment, you have a space for gratitude to grow. And when you have gratitude, all kinds of things can expand in life. What are you grateful for in your partner? What are you grateful for about you? What are you grateful for that you have created together?

A conscious relationship allows for continual growth of possibility and gratitude. Start using these tips today and start on the road to becoming a more conscious couple!



Dr. Dain Heer is a speaker, coach and author of nine books including the bestselling book, Being You Changing the World, which has been translated into Swedish, German, Spanish, Italian, and Estonian. Dr. Heer provides the tools and inspiration to uncover the real ‘you’ and find the courage to be different – which in turn sparks new ideas, creates success and increases happiness and wellbeing. His work is now in 173 countries in which he facilitates people to tap into and recognize their own abilities and empowers them to know they are the creators of their own life. As a doctor of chiropractic, Heer hosts a regular radio show entitled Conversations in Consciousness. He appears regularly on Dr. Pat and Voice of America and has been a guest on hundreds of nationally syndicated radio shows. You can read more about him on his facebook, or @dr_dainheer.

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