So, You Were Ghosted After Sex – Now What?

It’s been a few days since you spent an amazing evening with someone. Maybe you laughed a lot, you felt the chemistry, talked all night, went to his place or yours and you decided you felt comfortable enough to let him inside – literally.  Suddenly, they speak to you less, brush you off, ditch you, or maybe they just completely disappear –  you were just ghosted.  

Ghosting someone – particularly after sex – is not okay by any means, without a respectful communicative effort – a ‘let you down’ easy statement, it is unacceptable for men or for anyone to “ghost” someone especially after sex.  However, we cannot change what they do, so let’s change what you can do.  

There is nothing wrong with giving it up and having sex on the first date because having sex isn’t just for their pleasure; it is for your pleasure as well.  If you are feeling sexy, capable, able, and willing, then go for it! However, keep in mind that you don’t really know this individual on a deep level and there isn’t an easy way to know what they think, feel, or want entirely and chances are they may not be 100% honest either. Why would they trust you with all of the truth or perhaps even their true feelings because they have no idea how you may react to things, they hardly know you.  Just like you don’t know them, you have no idea if it will work out or if they will reciprocate the feelings or not. Ladies, the best way to avoid the freight train of disappointment or feeling of rejection running over you is to simply recognize the following and focus on prevention.

• You are a grown woman – if you are choosing to be intimate sooner rather than later (on average someone only begins to show their true colors after about 6 months) then the aftermath is as much your responsibility as is theirs. Choose wisely and own up to your choice.  You wanted to have the fun as well and you took the risk as much as they did, so if it ends in disappointment, just choose differently next time. It is by no means an indication of the type of person you are.  I do not believe our characteristics and personalities are measured by how quickly, frequently, or often we have sex, there is much more to us than that.
  

• Make sure that you enjoy it – Your pleasure is entirely in your control. Communicate, be open, have fun, and let go! If you are too concerned with doing something right or acting perfect and you are only worried about their pleasure you will truly feel like you sacrificed something special to you and then no matter which way it goes, there will be damage.  If you aren’t having fun, immediately stop it. You don’t know them well enough to be concerned about letting them down if you stopped the act.  Just be respectful and nice. If things go south or ends in a “ghosting” of any sort, try to look at it as a learning experience and opportunity for personal growth to get one step closer to what you actually want in life and love.
  

• If you can’t handle it, don’t do it – This goes along with the two suggestions above, if you aren’t capable of being assertive enough to make sure you are also enjoying the encounter or stopping it if you aren’t, you shouldn’t be doing it too soon. This can potentially have emotional, physical, and mental damages on many different levels. If you can’t own your choice despite what the outcome may be, don’t have sex too early on. Give it time to establish some level of trust and get to know them, let them get to know you. Any guy that doesn’t respect your decision isn’t worth your time.

In the event that we are dealing with the after math rather than prevention, it has already happened and you are reading this article with a tear soaked keyboard, glass of wine, and a tub of ice-cream next to you… well, then here is what you can do.  

1. Take the suggestions above into strong consideration, focus on the lesson and what you can do to not feel this way again and stay true to that.  Write out an oath to yourself and stick to it.
2. Self Check – rejection is not a matter of what is done to us but how we perceive ourselves before, during, and after any event or circumstance.  We tend to take it as a reflection of our self worth and that is just plain bologna! Someone else does not possess the power to tell you what you’re worth is. Someone else’s feelings about you is absolutely no reflection of what you actually are, it’s a reflection of their own lack of adequate judgments, skewed perceptions or simply you just aren’t a match.
   
3. Focus on the positive aspects of yourself. It may seem silly and difficult because you are sad and hurting but write out an essay to yourself answering the following questions:
   
   • What makes you a good person in general?
   • What makes you a good friend to someone?
   • What makes you a good lover?
   • What makes you good in bed?
   • What can you bring to a relationship or friendship?
   • What do you want from a friend, companion, partner, or boyfriend?

I use the concept of friendships as well because these attributes are important to any relationship and should definitely belong there. You may answer “nothing” to all of the questions because you’re hurt, but pull it together and dig deep, push through the pain, play some motivating music, finish off that wine and answer them. You have to reinforce positive beliefs about yourself. If you still cannot answer even one question, ask a friend or family member to help but even then, it isn’t coming from you and the important part about healing is that it comes from YOU. If you still don’t feel motivated to do that or can’t find an answer, then your focus needs to be on rebuilding yourself, changing some behaviors, and building up your own self-esteem.  You are worth the time and effort and if you can’t find it in yourself to do that for you then the expectation for someone else to is unrealistic. You have to want to do it for yourself, therein is the change of how others will react to you going forward.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Dr. Yvonka De Ridder is a sex therapist, clinical sexologist, and relationship expert based out of Tampa, FL. Dr. De Ridder has a M.S. in Marriage and Family Therapy/Counseling from Capella University, and a B.A. in Psychology from the University of Tampa. She’s also the CEO of Love, Live, Therapy, LLC, a practice she began to help prospective patients in the field of marriage counseling and sex therapy, as well as the resident ‘sexpert’ on Tampa Bay’s top FM radio station, 102.5 The Bone. De Ridder has recently come aboard the Jasmin.com/JasminTV ‘sexpert’ team to lend her knowledge toward repositioning the brand and helping to further a social cause regarding the expanded and unhindered general conversation surrounding the perceptions of sexual relations in the mainstream consciousness.