Defining the Relationship — Relax, I Don’t Want Your Babies

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It seems commitment and whatnot has been a hot topic on the blog, and I’m throwing another post in the mix. When it comes to defining the relationship as a woman of a certain age, the thirties present a unique challenge. Yes, I am a never-been-married, childless woman in my 30’s. I have solid, functioning ovaries…

But relax.

I don’t want your babies…or your last name.  (If it works out, maybe, but I’m really just focusing on the current quarter.)

For some reason I feel as if I have to preface every romantic dating conversation with this disclaimer, mostly because we are taught that men are scared as balls when it comes to commitment, and that if you do the wrong thing at the wrong time, like approach him with a DTR (Define the Relationship) question, you’ll scare him away. defining the relationship

Because the assumption is that a single woman in her thirties is looking ahead at 40 and subtracting how many years she has left to, you know.

Warning: extremely fertile time-bomb dressed in a cute skirt and 4 inch heels approaching. Ring finger — empty. Pheromone level — 10. Basal body temperature — 96.5. Age — 33. Never been married. Proceed with caution. Repeat, proceed with caution. 

Which puts the single lady of triple decade status in a bit of a conundrum when it comes to modern dating.

Any conversation surrounding ‘defining the relationship’ has a big elephant of commitment hanging over it.

defining the relationship

Done too soon and a woman risks sounding like she’s on the fast track of “put a ring on it and give me two babies, ‘cause mama ain’t getting any younger.” Interpretation, I’m going to end up shucking around snotty kids and driving a van in two years in suburbia. Run and take your balls with you, Johnny Boy, there’s a group of 20 year olds around the corner who “just want to have fun.”

Done too late, however, and she may find herself stuck in a point of no return with a man and in some pseudo-looking relationship. Yeah, this dating business gets complicated as you get older.

Which means a lot of women, myself included, have been riding the casual dating train for way too long because of elephants. Those damn elephants.

But listen up, I have a secret to share.

When a woman like me — comfortable, independent, satisfied — is DTRing, we are not necessarily saying “Could we move along with this honey, because I’d like to have two kids before I turn 40 and a diamond could look really nice on this left hand.”

defining the relationshipWhen we are approaching you with the “Hey sugar lips, what’s going on here?” conversation, it’s because we need to know how you fit into our lives (short-term and/or long-term) and how we should treat you. We need to know if we’re riding the same train, on the same page, looking in the same direction. If the relationship has become intimate, it’s also our way of getting closer to you and determining physical exclusivity.

So, stop being little kitty cats and grow a pair. When we sit you down, look you in the eye and say “let’s talk” – we are not saying we want your babies or your last name or a full-fledged commitment. We are not trying to put you against a wall. We are not trying to manipulate you into a relationship. We just want to know if you are worth our time, our attention, and our sexuality.

PS. It begs the question: if a woman has to approach a man with the DTR conversation, shouldn’t she just move on?

Have your own DTR moment or perspective? Share it with us!

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  • Re: question begged in your PS – No, it’s not time to move on if the woman has to approach the man with the DTR conversation. It’s as tough for a man to have that conversation as it is for a woman. All the stuff you talked about in that post, we think about too. We don’t want to have the conversation too soon. Or too late.

    Long story short: If the DTR conversation scares either side off, it’s time to move on, no matter who actually initiates it.

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