Why You Really Need A Conscious Decoupling

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Romantic breakups happen.

How many have you been through? How many of them do we go through before we finally meet ‘the one’? How many times do we meet ‘the one’ before deciding “oh hell no, I’m never getting committed (or married) again!”?

I contend that if more people CONSCIOUSLY Decoupled, there would be way more weddings and stronger, healthier and even longer lasting relationships.

So, what is Conscious Decoupling?

I prefer to answer that question by giving an example of UNCONSCIOUS decoupling! It’s completely reactionary:

As he got ready for work that morning he made his announcement. “I’m leaving you. I’m in love with someone else”. Smug and holier than thou, he went a step further, “you’ll need to move out”. He made this proclamation as he dressed in one of his Armani suits and headed out the door. The door closed and her anger unleashed, 11 years of marriage, two children and she surrendered her ambition when he asked that she put her career aside to help him start his law firm. Talk about rage! She was now a VOLCANO!

By the time Mr. Man returned home from work that evening he found the charred remains of his favorite Sunday BMW in the driveway filled with the ashes of what used to be every shred of clothing he owned. Ha! Well, except for what he was wearing at that moment!

This particular awesome moment is from the movie ‘Waiting to Exhale’ except I paraphrased the quotes! That’s basically what he said and for a lot of women, watching Angela Bassett work that scene was a victory being expressed on behalf of anyone who had ever felt romantically rejected. Wronged. Betrayed. Abandoned. Disrespected or humiliated in the past no matter how long ago or by how many different exes. She was acting out what so many of us have felt in the past but didn’t dare do! Or… maybe we did? Maybe we were even more dramatic, more insane!

The problem is… these kinds of reactions only delay the healing. And while we’re raging, while we are in hate, victimization & revenge mode – focusing on the negative circumstances, we are simultaneously generating more of the same via the consequential energy.

Then there is the gut-wrenching depth of the grief. Those quiet, dark moments, when we’re not raging but instead we are overcome with pain and sadness as we live the newness of this relationships ending. Know that this is, quite literally, a trauma. And while you are in traumatic shock it can hurt so deeply that you can feel like you might literally “die”. I’m here to tell you, you are right. Ever heard of someone dying from a broken heart?! It actually happens.

Conscious Decouplingflickr/hckyso

Your Heart WILL actually break

Takotsubo cardiomyopathy -Wikipedia describes this condition as one which can be triggered by emotional stress – especially with the death of a loved one or the ending of a romance, “a sudden temporary weakening of the muscular portion of the heart.”

DUDE!!! I read that and I’m like, “Um… the muscular portion?!” Well, holy shiznit Batman- isn’t the whole heart a muscle?! Yes! And so . . . uh… just how many of these romantic break-ups can one human body and heart take?! – Like, seriously!

I understand people who give up after a while. It’s not that they think, “All women (or men) are alike” or whatever. It’s a subconscious knowingness that because of the way they experience relationships and especially the way that they have experienced decoupling in the past, they know that if they do it even one more time, they are done. Like dead done. Outa here. Bye Felicia! So they abstain, refrain, or even build a wall so as to never – ever fall in love again.

Originally, I called them Divorce Ceremonies, but then I realized even unmarried people who have coupled and are now breaking up, deserve and even qualify for the benefits of a conscious decoupling. So I started calling them Conscious Decoupling Ceremonies and ultimately have been guiding people through this process for nearly five years now. In the last year, I have found myself doing nearly as many of these ceremonies as I do weddings! These Decoupling ceremonies are so beautiful, that I am torn on which I like to do better. The value of a conscious decoupling is so far-reaching. Your chances of finding and experiencing everlasting bliss with your next romantic partner is elevated tremendously if you first decouple consciously from your previous relationship(s).

Before having such a ceremony, one would have to be conscious,  which in short means that you are holding your ex in the highest light as you genuinely want the best for them and their future. ‘Genuinely’! Consciousness is an awareness that earth is simply life school.

Relationships are classrooms and our emotions are our own. Processing your feelings, loving, caring, forgiving and making new commitments to yourself are part of the healing process of a conscious decoupling. Many find, in the conscious decoupling process, that they are healing places within that were wounded from broken relationships and dark, erroneous misperceptions taken on many years ago. Processing all of that, clearing what needs to be cleared and realizing your truths is freedom.

Please understand, the process and ceremony of conscious decoupling are not a magic wand that will dissolve your grief but you will feel lighter and your healing process will be faster. You will not only be able to see the blessings as a result of the healing brought about by the ending relationship but along the way you are empowered with realization and ability to consciously manifest the kind of relationship you always wanted in the first place.

The skills used to consciously decouple are the very tools that you can use for every other relationship in your life, including your next romantic love!

Conscious Decouplingflickr/yourdon


Conscious Decoupling has been around for a while but it never had an official name. Also referred to as uncoupling, this decoupling process is so powerful that it can be used to heal from relationships past, or presently ending. The break up could have happened 20 minutes ago or 20 years ago! The process heals the one who was left, as well as the one doing the leaving. Has your divorce, from 8 years ago, got you stuck in a mindset that is conflicting with your desire to be in love again? Have you been a ‘secret admirer’ for a while and now want to stop this aimless attraction that has blocked you from allowing a real romance to enter your world? Is breaking the habit of being secretly focused on this person causing you sadness and pain? Then, there is healing to be had and what a great opportunity Conscious Decoupling presents for this to be accomplished. If need be, you can literally, consciously decouple from several past relationships at one time!

Your ex does not need to be present for you to benefit from and partake in a full conscious decoupling process and ceremony. For those who have done the emotional and psychological work with a therapist, counselor, divorce coach or even a spiritual advisor like myself, then you can just schedule your ceremony! Others are advised to go through this processing first – if not, there are parts of the ceremony that you may not be ready for and that would be awful! It would be like getting to the end of a wedding and not being ready to say “I do”!

Relationships never really end,  they merely transmute. Ultimately, in this 20 to 30-minute ceremony we are calling in Spirit to bless these people and their relationship. So the ceremony is also to honor the relationship and the individuals who made the relationship happen. Blessings for the past, present and future.

During this rite of passage, the couple gets a moment to remind each other why they fell in love in the first place; share how they grew and evolved as a person as a result of the union and maybe even as a result of the breakup. There is a place in the ceremony for forgiveness, especially compassionate self-forgiveness. The couple makes new vows to each other. Their rings are blessed and cleared by the minister.

Coming out of the Conscious Decoupling Ceremony, both parties are entering their new chapters as single people and they do so in light and optimism. Many couples report sheer bliss as a result of their decoupling process. From this platform, you are more powerful as you consciously go forward without the negative baggage that can taint your perspective and play a part in spoiling future bliss. You’re now in a place where you can create the life and love you’ve always wanted!

Conscious Decoupling


Would you, or have you ever considered going through a ceremony like Conscious Decoupling?


Rev. Gillian V Harris, M.S.P. is a New Thought Minister & Teacher. Founder of Bless & Clear Sacred Ceremonies in Malibu California

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